It’s so crazy to think that it’s been 30 days since I’ve published Fire and Ice! It’s even crazier that it’s been even longer since I’ve lost my best friend.
First I would like to thank everyone for the overwhelming amount of support and love I’ve gotten on that post. It’s hard for me to allow myself to be so vulnerable but I love blogging and appreciate my readers so much. I 100% feel you guys deserve my transparency and honesty through any situation I am going through. I worked really hard on that post because I really wanted to give our love the justice it deserves. If you haven’t had the chance to read it yet, I’d like to invite you to check it out here.
This will likely be the last post I will write about my relationships / love life (or lack there of), at least for a while. I’d love to say that I’m over it. Think about all the bad and never mention the good (as I’m sure he’s doing), but I won’t. I wish I could tell you that in the 30 days since I’ve published that post my heart has healed but that would be a lie. My heart is broken and I honestly can’t wait to look back on all of this and barely remember the details, laugh at how hurt I was and sit baffled at how far I’ve come and how much I’ve grown. – Although that day is not today, I know it’s coming. Maybe not anytime soon, but someday.
I recently posted a video on Instagram ranting about how everyone should always put their mental health before anything else. If you haven’t seen that video I’ll embed it below for you:
I posted that video as a follow up to a really hurtful and anxiety ridden experience I had earlier that day. Everyone has been telling me to meet people so I tried. I tried to talk to someone, (of course I let them know I am not looking to be committed and I just wanted to be friends), etc. I met the person for dinner and (emotionally) it was terrible. All I could think about was what Lamar and I would be ordering together, what we’d be talking about, how he’d love the atmosphere. I felt so extremely bad that (long story short), I locked myself in a bathroom, sat on the toilet as a tear ran down my face and emailed Lamar. – Of course I realize it’s not the traditional breakup, but we were never the traditional couple. – My email went on telling him about my nightmare I’d had involving him the night before, my horrible date and how much I missed him, how I knew how much he hates me but he’d always been my confidant so I needed to vent to him. Later that night he emailed me back. He thought my little meet up earlier was funny. After all what’s funnier than an IBD patient locked in a bathroom for a non health related issue right?
A 30 Day Follow Up
It’s been 30 days since I published Fire and Ice and I still feel like half of myself, like the best part of me is gone. I’m still sad. I don’t cry as much but I still cry a bit. I cry when I hear one of his favorite songs. I cry when I think about what we could be doing right now. I don’t visit our favorite restaurants, I honestly don’t eat much at all. I get anxious. I get sick. I no longer go by my nickname, the name my family has called me since basically birth. I don’t even want to hear it. I find myself stopped in the middle of sentences to avoid using phrases, terms or simple inside jokes we used together.
If you asked if I’m depressed, I’d have to say yes. I try to hide it – to some it’s obvious, to others not so much. There are good days and bad days. The good days have been the days I look forward to but can never anticipate when exactly they’ll arrive. The bad days are really bad to say the least. I’m still seeing my Christian counselor. I’m still trying to do the right things but at times, even those feel wrong. I’m not the same person I was. I don’t want the things I once was so passionate (about) and wanted so badly out of life.
… I don’t really want much of anything anymore …
Have you ever imagined how a situation would play out? Although I know it’s not possible, I imagine he shows up. To my job, to my house, at school. I imagine it’s like none of it ever happened. Like he’s come to save me as he always has.
I just miss my best friend. I obviously know he doesn’t miss me. In my recent post, How To: Deal With Depression, Anxiety & Sadness, I spoke to the topic of everyone leaving my life. I’m just not an asset. I’ve come to realize that. I’ve accepted it now more than ever.
I get angry at times. Only because I know how hard I work, how hard I try and how much I put the needs of other’s even before my own. People assume women just want marriage for comfort or the satisfaction of having it, but honestly, I earned it. As I mentioned in Fire and Ice, he was good but I gave my all. I had my issues, I still have issues, but as flawed as I may be, I still put 110% into making a life with this person. My loyalty to this person was incomparable. I stood behind this person right or wrong. Whatever this person needed, I was there, never had to ask twice. – Or even at all (at times). I’ve missed treatments, missed sleep staying up working on resumes or making dinner, extended my days, not because I was asked, he’d never ask for anything that would cost me something in return, because it was that important to me. He was that important to me. Anywhere I went, if I was grabbing something for me, he’d have something he liked too. This experience has definitely taught me a life lesson in gratitude, appreciation and loyalty. It will be a long time before anyone ever gets even one (of those) from me again.