As many of you already know, I recently went through a breakup with my boyfriend of almost two years. We were planning to get married. I was extremely dedicated to that person and our relationship, but unfortunately life happens I guess. People who once explained daily how they can’t imagine life without you, suddenly can. Promises are broken and people who claimed to be so different suddenly imitate every single person who’s been in your life (and left) before. – If you want the good ol’ details on my breakup, you can read the entire story here.
Just like I said in that article, I tried to salvage it. I always try. I try so hard to keep the good people in my life because EVERYONE leaves. Faithfully. It never fails. It’s gotten so bad now that I don’t even keep in touch with so called “friends.” I realize I really don’t have any; honestly, never did. It’s extremely hard for me to build relationships and attach to people because no one has ever been consistent in my life. My ex was the first consistent person I’d ever met. He honestly convinced me that I had someone, just for me.
On My Own With A Chronic Condition
Now that he’s gone I’m on my own again. I’m the old independent, “strong Shawn” I’ve had to pretend to be for over half of my life. It hurts but as someone living with a chronic condition, I can’t just sit in hurt. Nope. I don’t have time to be hurt. If I dwell on my sadness, my internal will become my external. My emotions will become physical symptoms and the last thing I need right now is more inflammation. So what do I do? The only thing I can do. I suffer in silence. I go to the appointments, I show up for infusions, I advocate for myself whether conscious or waking up from heavy sedation. I do it because I have to. I admit, the feeling of having someone by your side, someone you can rely on to help you through the hard stuff, to advocate for you when you’re too tired or sick, that feeling is incomparable. I never thought I needed it, or even wanted it until I experienced and lost it.
Everyone else just sees me as strong. Oh it’s Shawn, she can survive anything. Shawns’ okay, she’s always okay. Now that I’m on my own again I’m just picking up the pieces. If you’re own your own in your life and healthcare, the best advice I can give is to just be patient. – No pun intended. Be patient with yourself and also with others. Generally healthy people don’t know what it’s like, they can’t relate to our struggles especially not internally. It’s easy to get frustrated. Trust me, I’m an expert on that topic. From losing my dad, then losing my mom (mentally) to Schizophrenia, then losing everyone in between to now losing my very best friend in this world – I get frustrated a lot, especially with God. Don’t let anger and frustration consume you. I try to remind myself that as hard as my life is now, I’ve been through way worse days. Remember everything you’ve accomplished and try to keep a positive outlook, or at least add a positive spin on things.
Before you go, don’t forget to join the We Are Chronically Strong facebook group! We’d love to have you. In my next (blog) post I will be sharing information on Iron infusions and what it was like/ the outcome. Be on the lookout.
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