I’ve been debating on whether I truly wanted to share this. It’s a hard topic to discuss but I always want to be transparent with my followers. I want to show not only the good in life, but the bad as well. I think my life, my work, my writings, everything I do has always portrayed both so hey, why stop? This is about my relationship, or what was my relationship. I won’t use his name, although anyone who knows me knows him. You knew him because my love for him showed in every way. – But, I know he’s moved on and therefore, I will allow him his space and privacy.
This person and I had what I call a fire and ice love. It was so passionate. He told me he loved me every day, just about every hour. I always knew exactly how he felt. During the day I made sure to give him a kiss or hug and send him his morning “I love you” text once I arrived to work. He always replied something beautiful to melt my heart. He gave me thousands of kisses. I would literally have to tell him “no more!” You wouldn’t know it from the outside. On the outside this man looks huge, buff and mean. He looks like a hardcore military man who plays no games. – And he is. But with me, he was different. I was his “Pooh stuff.” – His favorite person in the world. If I told you my daily with this man you probably wouldn’t believe me. He loved me so much. I could probably continue to write many pages just on his love alone, how amazing it was. He would rub and kiss my stomach, scars included. He thought those were beautiful. He thought all of me was beautiful. He supported me in ways I never knew were possible. He was the love and support I always needed my friends and family to be. He not only showed up, but he was present. He was present in my healthcare and health decisions. He was present in my family. He was present in the moment, in my heart. The way his eyes lit up when he came home to me made my heart flutter. He talked about how badly he wanted to marry me, we made plans for marriage almost daily. He was looking so forward to the day he could call me his wife. He would come home from a stressful day of work, come in the kitchen, give me 100 kisses and say “I know you’re the one for me. You love me so much. ” I was looking so forward to having his children. He was so appreciative of the smallest things. I’d ordered him a Lakers cup one day. – Not going to lie, the cup was pretty official. But the way he reacted, it was as if he’d never received a better gift in his life. We’d been together almost two years. I knew him like the back of my hand and he knew me the same. When we argued, we argued with passion. Like I said, we were fire and ice. He made me so mad, but truth is his passion was one of the things I loved the most about him.
I wish I could explain his love. Somedays, his love brought me to tears. – I’d never let him know that. Looking back now, I probably should have. He’d given up so much for me. He moved 4 hours away from family and friends just to be with me. Lived somewhere he didn’t want, nor did he have to. Drove hours to and from work for my comfort. I know he didn’t think I appreciated it, but I did. I knew what he gave up for me, I tried my hardest to make up for it with love and loyalty. Don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t perfect. He was good, but not perfect. Different moods almost made him seem like a different person, not that he didn’t have a right to be with the way I pushed his buttons and pushed him away. He made mistakes but who doesn’t? Some mistakes were admittedly caused by me. We were so different, yet in so many ways, the same.
But I am a mess
That’s the point of this article. To simply say, I am a mess. I make a mess of things. Even the unbreakable can possibly be broken by Shawn. – But I didn’t mean to. Going to Christian Counseling has taught me so much. I’ve actually learned about how the trauma I experienced growing up (with my Schizophrenic mother, my health and not having a voice, ect), influences decisions I make and things I do (to this day). I knew I had underlying anger and aggression. I couldn’t control it. – Let’s be clear, I’ve never hit this person, he’s never touched me. – But sometimes you don’t have to. I pushed him away mentally. Constantly. I was petty and let things go too far. I made this person feel as if they were disposable to me and for that I’m so regretful. Truth is they meant more than anyone else to me. I would have done anything to make them happy. I should have made it more obvious. I told him so many times I would work on myself and I honestly did try. I tried so hard. I just don’t know what it was. Immaturity with lack of emotions I suppose. The need for structure and the definite need to deal with issues from the past (family, health, ect) so they would stop coming to the surface.
It’s over now, I know he’s probably moved on and happy with someone who’s whole. Truth is I’m broken, I was born broken. Everything about me seems to have some kind of fault. I don’t know how to talk out issues, I’m getting better but I’ve never had to do it before, meeting this person was an entirely new experience for me in every way. I don’t blame him for giving up on me. He gave me chances, and then more chances. He shouldn’t have to fix me.
So what now?
Well, he hates me. He’d never admit it, but I know hate. His actions towards me now remind me of my childhood. Mentally it was hard for me to comprehend. I tried really hard to salvage it because I was so tired of people leaving my life. Everyone gives up on me. He was the only person who’d ever gotten to know me and actually wanted to be around. I couldn’t lose that. I felt the same about him. As much as I talk about myself, I was once an asset to his team as well. He counted on me. He relied upon me. Aside from calling me all day, coming home to me at night, he called on me when he was in need. No one else. Being that we both came from broken families, I really appreciated that. You see, when you come from a broken home you don’t just trust anyone. I hate that I lost that trust. I was his person. I believed in him and I was there. I was present. I stayed up late nights making dinner, putting in job applications and improving resumes. I did that. I went to FRG meetings; I encouraged a relationship with his family. I only wanted the best for him. We did so much for each other.
Although I miss him, I know he’s angry with me. I’m keeping distance and allowing him to live his life. I hope the next person he meets understands how lucky she is to have him and gives him everything he deserves. Like I said, he’s not perfect, we both had our issues, but maybe it fell apart for a reason. For a while I was depressed. I went four days without eating. When I went to sleep I would dream of him. – But I’m healing now. You don’t just bounce back from the fire and ice love. It’s the love you wished would last. Sometimes it does, but others…
It’s hard. I cried a lot. I took a break from social media, I just needed to meditate in peace. Like I said, I’ve started Christian Counseling, I’m focusing on improving myself and getting closer to God. For a while I put my relationship before God. I 100% think you can balance a healthy relationship with the Lord and your partner, but I know I wasn’t doing that. I think that also may have contributed a lot to my anger and aggression coming to the surface. I’m working on talking about my issues. I’m working on becoming the best version of me.