Hello and welcome back. As many of my readers know by now, my mother suffers from Schizophrenia. She was diagnosed when I was very young and it complicated things a great deal growing up.
My Last Visit
My last visit with my mother was pretty sad. All visits are pretty sad. It’s hard to watch someone you love deteriorate right in front of your eyes, knowing everything is 100% completely out of your control. Knowing how limited life is for them. Wondering if they’re being treated right, if they’re eating right. Wondering who cares if something is wrong? Who cares if she’s not feeling well? Who cares when she’s lonely? What are the repercussions of an “off day” …? Visits are also very sad because mentally, my mother is gone. She’s not the same person. She doesn’t remember activities and things she once loved. She can’t be the mother I once knew and she doesn’t even remember who that person was or realize how important or special she is.
My last visit was particularly sad because instead of being mentally unaware… I saw a glimpse of hope. Before I left, my mother looked me in my eyes and asked me, “Shawn, will you pray this illness leaves my body? Pray for me to be normal again so I can leave this place.” – This was hope. My mother is realizing that she is sick, that this world she’s created in her mind is not real… She’s acknowledging where she needs to be for her to leave the institution she currently stays at. She’s what we call “waking up.”
But a glimpse of hope can be a bad thing (too).
You see, the human body is a very tricky thing, especially the brain. Schizophrenia is a tricky condition. My mother’s physicians always told us, the older she gets, the harder it gets to bring her back from these “spells.” They stressed how important it was that she stay on her medications for fear of her doing so much damage that she would never be herself again. – Within the last few years they have determined that she’s hit that point. Medical professionals have advised they don’t see my mother returning from the mental state she’s in. So what about hope? Why is it bad? – Well, because with hope comes disappointment. The next visit she didn’t even remember telling me the things she told me in the last. She was (again) hyper-religious and had the mental capacity of a 5-year-old child. It’s my life and while I have not learned the best ways of coping or accepting it… I’m forced to deal with it.
The Next Visit
This visit we (my family and I) were able to get clearance from my mother’s physicians so we could take her off campus! While my mother is still very ill, everyone agreed on the importance of her meeting her first grandchild! It’s still sad. It’s always sad. It will always be sad. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my mother’s condition it’s that you have to learn to appreciate every aspect of life. No matter how big or small, good or bad. Embrace the life you live.
This post is dedicated to Tamia Angel Marie Young.
May you always keep love on your mind and faith in your heart.
I pray you will never go a day without knowing how loved and blessed you are.
Keep family close and someday you will understand that although she doesn’t have the ability to express it, your grandmother loves you very much and has prayed for you before you were even created.
I pray someday you will have the ability to get to know the mother I once knew.
- xxx Auntie Shawn.