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life with a schizophrenic parent

Dear Mom,

Today is August 9th, and tomorrow will be your 45th birthday! For other families I’m sure these are happy moments, for me it’s pretty sad. You don’t know tomorrow is your birthday. You probably don’t even know what year it is.

I miss you, I miss late night taco runs with you. I miss eating hot cheese popcorn and Butter Pecan ice cream, although I hate Butter Pecan and I’ve told you that 1000 times but you still buy it cause you love it. I miss complaining about you being overbearing and overprotective. – I miss that actually being an issue.

At times I get frustrated. Not with you, with our situation. I miss the person you were and I miss having a parent. You were my only one.

Sometimes I cry…

parenting with schizophrenia

At one point I thought I could pray it away. That somehow for some reason, you would magically be cured. I get angry with God, with everyone. There are so many terrible people in this world. So many people who constantly do wrong and hurt others. – But not you. Not even at your sickest. I never understood why of all people you were chosen to suffer this badly. You don’t know how many times I’ve asked God to let us trade places.

Sometimes, when I’m doing something I have no business doing, I try to imagine what you would say. Truth is, I can’t.

I force back tears when I see you. I don’t want to upset you so I pretend everything is okay. I pretend it doesn’t kill me inside each and every time I hear your voice. I pretend that your shaking is normal and calm you down as you become increasingly frustrated that you can’t hold the fork on your own. I scoop the food up and place the food in your mouth. I know how bad you want to be independent.

I’m writing this to you because I hope someday we can read this together in amazement. Amazed at how far you’ve come. Amazed because you’ve been cured and you don’t even remember the years you spent suffering. I want you to know I have always, and will always love you. More than anything in this world. You are the light of my life and I will never forget about you. I am so proud of you and the person you are. I know you don’t understand everything that is going on right now, but I always have your back.

You are the most amazingly beautiful person. You are so loved.