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Not a Mommy | Finding Hope Post Miscarriage

Hi, I’m Shawn and I’m not a mommy.

Not a Mommy - Moving Forward After Miscarriage

Years ago I Had a Miscarriage, it broke me. It tested me in ways I never imagined possible. It wasn’t just that I’d miscarried – I miscarried my first pregnancy. The first thing my body had ever done properly. The first good thing that’s ever come from a very damaged vessel like me. Although I moved forward, I Never Fully Healed . When I lost my pregnancy I felt like damaged goods. Nothing anyone said could ease the hurt and I honestly couldn’t bare to hear another, “I’m sorry.” I hated myself. I felt alone, but after I Shared My Story, I quickly realized I wasn’t. There were a lot of women out there, even friends of mine, who had stories similar to my own. I admired them. As tough as it was to live through the loss, I couldn’t imagine going through it in secret. For me it was almost therapeutic to write about it. To pour my heart and soul into Chronically Strong. Whether a million people saw it, or simply serving as a release for just myself, I needed it.

The Loss

I felt like I let more than myself down, looking back, I know I did. It still hurts to think about it. I live life as if it never happened. At times, I forget it did. To people who haven’t experienced that kind of loss, it may seem silly for someone to dwell on something “so simple.” – For anyone who has experienced it, you know as well as I, there’s nothing simple about it. We’re mourning the loss of loved ones we’ve created, but for one reason or another, never met. Small humans that never had a chance. It’s sad.

How To Get Over Miscarriage

While I thought my life was over in that moment and even there after, it wasn’t. I lived. I fought everyday to. I wasn’t fighting to live. – I was fighting to want to live. While every breath seemed more difficult than the last, eventually it wasn’t. Eventually I was able to breathe and thoughts of bottles and ratels didn’t bring me sadness.

In no way was this an easy journey for me. I will never minimize the pain and heartbreak I felt. There were a lot of tears. It took a long time for me to stop blaming myself. It took years for me to realize that life has a way of working itself out. – Even after I realized this, it took time for me to accept it. To accept that while unfortunate, the loss is, and forever will be, a part of my story.

A New Chapter

Moving Forward After Miscarriage - Aunty and Baby Matching Outfits

My new chapter was Tamia. I’m not a mommy. It’s likely I may never be and that’s okay. – Tamia taught me that. Tamia is my niece and Goddaughter, she is also my best friend. When she came into my life, I soon realized you don’t have to be a mommy to make an impact. You don’t have to be a mommy to raise and love a child. While she’ll never replace what I lost, she’s been an amazing confidant and has played a huge role in my healing process.

Now I don’t look at motherhood quite the same. My views have changed. Time has allowed me to grow and heal. The things I wanted back then are no longer what I want now and that’s okay too. Caring for Tamia showed me the work that goes into caring for a child. The selflessness it takes to earn the title Mommy. I love the role I play in her life and if this is the role God had planned for me, as it pertains to raising a child, I’m okay with that!

How To Get Over Miscarriage

Truthfully, you don’t need a baby to heal. I’ll admit, the love I feel for this little girl is unlike any other love I’ve ever felt in my life. – But healing is a personal journey. Sure, it helped to have someone so small and innocent look at me as if nothing else in the world matters. It helped to have somewhere to invest all of the love I once invested into my own pregnancy. – But I still had to work on me. I had to realize and accept that there was a problem, then address it. Miscarriage is not a taboo topic. Loss should be discussed. There is no shame in asking for help. So many women struggle with infertility issues, so many women suffer with the loss of their unborn child, yet for some reason it’s not being discussed. Women are left in the dark, suffering in silence and feeling guilty as if they had any control over their fate.

If you’re anything like me and you’re living with a loss, seek help. Moving forward isn’t easy and there are times that we just can’t do it on our own. Getting therapy was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.It takes strength to deal with the loss of a pregnancy, it takes courage to talk about it. You’re not alone, if no one else, I’m here for you.

MOVING FORWARD AFTER MISCARRIAGE WITH CHRONIC ILLNESS

Comments

  1. My first pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage so I can understand your pain. Fortunately 2 years later I delivered my daughter, Angie. After having her I had a lot of problems which resulted in a hysterectomy at 27. I am so blessed to have my daughter. God does have a plan and the doctors said the reason we miscarry is because the baby was not normal and God takes it in his arms to make the baby normal so when we see the baby in heaven it is fine. I found strength in that and my faith. I was lucky that God then blessed me with a normal baby. I did want another child but it wasn’t in Gods plan so I am so very grateful he gave me Angie. I hope one day you will have the joy of having a child, but if not remember your baby is in heaven waiting for you. I am so glad you have your niece and have such a wonderful bond with her. Children are truly a blessing.

    • This is so sweet Karen. A wonderful story. Thank you for sharing! So glad you were blessed with Angie! One day maybe I too will be a mommy, but if not I’ll be okay. Like you said, God has a plan. Thank you so much for your support!

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What They're Saying

"Shawn. I see what you're doing in the IBD community. You're doing phenomenal things! Prayers for your personal journey as well as I know it can't be easy."

Felicia Robertson, MD June 23 2017
2017-09-08T14:16:02+00:00
"Shawn. I see what you're doing in the IBD community. You're doing phenomenal things! Prayers for your personal journey as well as I know it can't be easy." Felicia Robertson, MD June 23 2017

"You're the best! So glad you joined (the Patient Advisory Council of ImproveCareNow) and I hope we can get to know eachother better! Looking at your blog girl it's amazing. You're a beautiful writer and fighter."

 

Natalie B, PAC ImproveCareNow, April 29 2017
2017-09-08T14:21:19+00:00
"You're the best! So glad you joined (the Patient Advisory Council of ImproveCareNow) and I hope we can get to know eachother better! Looking at your blog girl it's amazing. You're a beautiful writer and fighter."   Natalie B, PAC ImproveCareNow, April 29 2017

"Chronically Strong is an absolutely beautiful blog filled with information about Ulcerative Colitis, Chronic Bowel Disease and Mental Health just to name a few. (Shawntel) has excellent healthy eating tips as well as a focus on overall wellness and nutrition, and recipes."

Leanne, Blogger, Aug. 2 2017
2017-09-08T14:26:29+00:00
"Chronically Strong is an absolutely beautiful blog filled with information about Ulcerative Colitis, Chronic Bowel Disease and Mental Health just to name a few. (Shawntel) has excellent healthy eating tips as well as a focus on overall wellness and nutrition, and recipes." Leanne, Blogger, Aug. 2 2017

" I've never found you to be anything but inspiring. Your honesty is refreshing and I like when people keep it real. Makes me feel it's ok to be human."

 

Sara R, Sep. 12 2017
2017-09-12T22:05:16+00:00
" I've never found you to be anything but inspiring. Your honesty is refreshing and I like when people keep it real. Makes me feel it's ok to be human."   Sara R, Sep. 12 2017

Though mostly about IBD, this blog covers a wide array of issues.  Shawn covers complex issues, like how her identity as an African American intersects with her IBD.  I am taken aback by the depth of each post! Whether you’re a blogger or an IBDer, her posts are sure to offer tons of inspiration.

 

Collin, Jan. 9, 2019
2019-01-09T22:11:58+00:00
Though mostly about IBD, this blog covers a wide array of issues.  Shawn covers complex issues, like how her identity as an African American intersects with her IBD.  I am taken aback by the depth of each post! Whether you’re a blogger or an IBDer, her posts are sure to offer tons of inspiration.   Collin, Jan. 9, 2019