Hi, I’m Shawn and I’m not a mommy.
Years ago I Had a Miscarriage, it broke me. It tested me in ways I never imagined possible. It wasn’t just that I’d miscarried – I miscarried my first pregnancy. The first thing my body had ever done properly. The first good thing that’s ever come from a very damaged vessel like me. Although I moved forward, I Never Fully Healed . When I lost my pregnancy I felt like damaged goods. Nothing anyone said could ease the hurt and I honestly couldn’t bare to hear another, “I’m sorry.” I hated myself. I felt alone, but after I Shared My Story, I quickly realized I wasn’t. There were a lot of women out there, even friends of mine, who had stories similar to my own. I admired them. As tough as it was to live through the loss, I couldn’t imagine going through it in secret. For me it was almost therapeutic to write about it. To pour my heart and soul into Chronically Strong. Whether a million people saw it, or simply serving as a release for just myself, I needed it.
I felt like I let more than myself down, looking back, I know I did. It still hurts to think about it. I live life as if it never happened. At times, I forget it did. To people who haven’t experienced that kind of loss, it may seem silly for someone to dwell on something “so simple.” – For anyone who has experienced it, you know as well as I, there’s nothing simple about it. We’re mourning the loss of loved ones we’ve created, but for one reason or another, never met. Small humans that never had a chance. It’s sad.
While I thought my life was over in that moment and even there after, it wasn’t. I lived. I fought everyday to. I wasn’t fighting to live. – I was fighting to want to live. While every breath seemed more difficult than the last, eventually it wasn’t. Eventually I was able to breathe and thoughts of bottles and ratels didn’t bring me sadness.
In no way was this an easy journey for me. I will never minimize the pain and heartbreak I felt. There were a lot of tears. It took a long time for me to stop blaming myself. It took years for me to realize that life has a way of working itself out. – Even after I realized this, it took time for me to accept it. To accept that while unfortunate, the loss is, and forever will be, a part of my story.
A New Chapter
My new chapter was Tamia. I’m not a mommy. It’s likely I may never be and that’s okay. – Tamia taught me that. Tamia is my niece and Goddaughter, she is also my best friend. When she came into my life, I soon realized you don’t have to be a mommy to make an impact. You don’t have to be a mommy to raise and love a child. While she’ll never replace what I lost, she’s been an amazing confidant and has played a huge role in my healing process.
Now I don’t look at motherhood quite the same. My views have changed. Time has allowed me to grow and heal. The things I wanted back then are no longer what I want now and that’s okay too. Caring for Tamia showed me the work that goes into caring for a child. The selflessness it takes to earn the title Mommy. I love the role I play in her life and if this is the role God had planned for me, as it pertains to raising a child, I’m okay with that!
Truthfully, you don’t need a baby to heal. I’ll admit, the love I feel for this little girl is unlike any other love I’ve ever felt in my life. – But healing is a personal journey. Sure, it helped to have someone so small and innocent look at me as if nothing else in the world matters. It helped to have somewhere to invest all of the love I once invested into my own pregnancy. – But I still had to work on me. I had to realize and accept that there was a problem, then address it. Miscarriage is not a taboo topic. Loss should be discussed. There is no shame in asking for help. So many women struggle with infertility issues, so many women suffer with the loss of their unborn child, yet for some reason it’s not being discussed. Women are left in the dark, suffering in silence and feeling guilty as if they had any control over their fate.
If you’re anything like me and you’re living with a loss, seek help. Moving forward isn’t easy and there are times that we just can’t do it on our own. Getting therapy was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.It takes strength to deal with the loss of a pregnancy, it takes courage to talk about it. You’re not alone, if no one else, I’m here for you.